Expressing something that touches me, that’s why my blog is infrequent and not regular.
Yes, frustrated! I never thought I’ll be writing about my own life on a blog.
I’m young, the age that girls in my caste get married. It’s not the case anymore in society here but my family arranged me. My heart broke leaving the studies. The fear that I had about marriage, watching the life of many closely known married ladies.
After I fell in love, I thought good about the future and hoped and imagined the best with my fiance. I had already taken the leap of faith and avoided noticing the small things he was telling me. The small things that pointed at the way of life I was heading towards.
Some times I got irritated and did not talk to him for a day or two. But accepted those things thinking to manage when it comes. I started living the attention I was getting. Though the preparation for marriage was very hectic, I kept less work to myself.
Avoidance. Overlooking. Mistakes that I made. Thought I could feel at times that life will change and wasn’t going in the best difection, I couldn’t fortitude.
My husband reads my blog, he may read here something that I’ve not told him. Around two weeks before marriage, I had the gut to tell my father that I did not want to get married.
On reasoning, I lied that I feel bad about all the work that has build up on him. He understood I was hiding something from him. So, I lightly said that I’m scared and there are many things in the future family that I’ve double thoughts about. He questioned me what they were. But I thought about my fiance, and put all my efforts to change what I said. The place I was standing, wasn’t to look back. I had the power to get back from marriage. No one, but my brother would have supported me in all conditions.
At that time, I thought about everyone- family, relatives, fiance, his family and relative, the society and myself. I doubted myself to understand what decision would be right. So I settled with everyone’s wrong one.
I chose life like my mother’s. Without understanding that I was doing that. Saree and veil.
I wish many a times that girls like me can find hope and strenght to take their own decisions. If the parents think a girl can marry at that tender age, then she definitely has the brains to understand what’s not as per her suitability. Because the families, yet are unable to overcome the fear of society. Without understanding what their child actually needs and wants and how her mental state has developed since childbirth, they walk like a herd in the same direction.
When parents want their children to accept their decision of selecting the partner for them, then the family and society should also understand what are the qualities that the child doesn’t expect. The not being more important than the want.