Expect the least, hope the most.
I almost told him how I feel,
the feeling that flickers,
and it felt he suffers same emotion,
Times, he almost came up there but stumbled,
we never confessed
we probably never will
May be thats our ego
May be thats our cowardness- a quality we share– to lose a friend
May be thats our last chance
to get things better,
or ruin for life.
Can we be at two places at the same time?
At that moment, it feels like
go ahead, say it.
We’ll see whatever comes.
But then hope knows the borders,
Who are ‘we’ here?
Why is my we so alone!
If somebody asked me to choose between my heart and my mind, I will definitely go for my brains. I mean what is this silly heart? It’s such a big liar, which at first consoles, giving hopes for lifetime, and then shattering the dreams for eternity.
Literally, heart does not even exist. It is our cardiovascular muscles in the rib cages, which does not think or speak or talk to us! Just aches at the wrong time.
I remember how much I was in love. For such a long time. Love has the greatness to sometimes make us happy and sometimes sad about the same silly thought. My insecurity once asked him, “Will you have a girlfriend?”
I really wished he had lied after he told me the truth. But the present makes me happy that he said what he did. That one thought of his truth had made me happy because he did not make a promise to break. Did not keep me waiting. And sad, because his honesty at such a time, when a person would generally lie so that the girl in front of you should not break down in tears, makes me miss him.
People ask me, what took me so long to let go! I did not want to let go. And it’s mostly because people don’t want to, because they start feeling that the pain is something they have of the person. It becomes part of them. Without expecting the person to love us back.
So how does one ‘move on’? It’s different with everybody. At those time when everything was fresh, and somebody would even mention the two words ‘move on’, I started the non ending philosophical talks. And then end up crying, being totally confused about my feelings.
But with life, I gave up listening slow music. Started believing that I was also special, had two-three great friends who were actually there for me, started studying, clearing exams, and feeling important. I was still very much into the person but this time I had accepted that I was in love. So I enjoyed my smiles and laughters.
Last year standing in the corridor between our doors, while having a normal conversation with a friend-neighbor, I remember realising I wasn’t the same person I used to be. At that simple moment, I knew love had left me. Trust me, it wasn’t the best feeling. I was empty, normal, I wasn’t the person I believed I was for past six years, and it was sad. I did not love him or hate him or feel anything for him. I couldn’t even feel a thing looking at his picture or hearing his name. Yes, I did try these things!
So, I took a deep breath, wore a gentle smile, looked around, and found so many attractive guys, potential boyfriends and magical crushes. But wait, do I need them? I’m here finding bigger meaning to life.
Now I’m back to being an ordinary girl, who has dreams for herself.