Meditate daily

How to meditate? It probably will help to control the thoughts that are disturbing me. But what is the right way? Wondering.

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Saddist

Life has never been worse. Im sad. Always. I dont like smiling. Im depresssed. I wish to die everyday. To kill myself. But im living. Im not hoping. Im not getting any better. Im getting worse. Im running. Yes im eating. Smiling with people. Thinking too much. But if i only find a way to just leave this world with itself. My chest hurts. I want to go away from here. My stomach hurts. My thoughts hurt me. I hate something. I m unable to change it. I feel hopeless. Alone. Im sorry…

She.

She has such a beautiful smile. Her eyes are so full of hope. Just by looking at her, I feel protected. Loved. When she’s around me, everythings perfect. I love her so much I cannot express. Her voice, her smell, her touch, her kiss, her advice, her warmth, her smile, her hopeful eyes.. She’s my best friend. She is the best person. She loves me for me. She loves that I’m alive. She’s upset and sad that we’ve to so apart. She’s upset that I miss her and weep. Though she does the same. She says that she never thought we could be apart. She says we’ve become like two shores of the river, that don’t meet regularly. Her love for me is what I crave for. The way she respects me. I miss my mother. My mumme. My everything. My cheerfulness.

Without Alcohol

🙂 you love me so much. Even when you are so sick of me you love me. You feel like hitting me and kissing me at the same time. Your touch is like a prince caring for her princess. Why do u love me? Because you can love someone like me i love you more. I hate myself. I do not pity myself. I feel like a dodder. Like a mosquito there is no need of me here. Ik so ashamed of myself. Im a disappointment. Im so disrespectful. Im a coward. I hate myself and see my life worth nothing. I may be depressed. I feel like ending my life. Suicidal temptations. Theres a life inside me. I do not respect it. I feel numb for it. I just see happiness through your eyes and hopeful through you. But you show no interest. I know you love me. But your love is so real that a fake person like me cannot understand. So i feel unloved all the time. I cannot feel love. I need your love. I need your care and attention and affection and pampering. From a person like you, its so much to ask. So I do not. I do not expect. You are different. Better. Living. Im trying to survive. My thoughts are hurting me. They are taking me away. Each day I feel tortured by someone, I feel like quitting. Going somewhere for myself. Soul searching. Something does not deserve my presence. I do not feel loved. You love me but not the way i wanted. I love you. I really do. Im just not right for you. You are such a good person, i feel I’m destroying your life with my presence. Im destroyed inside. I need to meditate. Im too lazy for it. Dying is so easy. Running away is so easy. You will not even miss me. That is what i think. Thats how your love has made me feel till now. Or may b because i think too much. Im unable to help myself. All I needed were people around me to help me grow, to help me love myself. Not to find my flaws. Like you did. Like your family did. And I started doing it to myself. And we all came in same team. Disliking who I was. Who I am. Now I hate myself so much, I feel I m useless 60kgs of weight on earth. Wasting food by eating and using up oxygen uselessly. Im ashamed of myself. Im ashamed I cannot see myself as somewhat worthy of something. Not even life.